I Hate Romance

I hate romance - not just the unrealistic thoughtful attention and bliss that romantic movies purport, but I hate romance in real life too. It is chronically marketed as the be-all, end-all happiness goal worth pursuing with abandon.

But I love movies like Rocketman and Frozen. That’s an eclectic pairing, certainly, but both movies celebrate and elevate love outside of romance. Friendship and family, respectively, are billed as the true-love stars they often are in real life.

When a person has rich, deep relationships with friends and family but they remain <gasp> single, people try to set them up, or recommend apps, or worse – believe them to be defective or worthy of pity because they haven’t found IT. Come on, if the genitals aren’t involved, well then, it has to be less than true love, right? All too often, genitals actually screw up the thoughtful attention and bliss being pursued. Yes, screw up. (Not always, I know. I see you Tom Hanks. And Ellen.)

In romantic relationships, when we love each other with thoughtful attention and compromise, it’s interpreted as being, well, loving. But when we attend to a sibling or a close friend in a similar way, we are either enabling them or being unrealistically generous. Why is it different? Isn’t being there for each other just loving each other? If your partner loses a job or endures a long illness, you are socially expected to be an unwavering support for them – with attention, care, and money. But when you help care for a life-long friend with Alzheimer’s, you’re either a saint or a closet lesbian. And if you help a friend or a sibling with the exact gestures of concern, you are perceived as hindering their growth and independence. Van Gogh’s brother was a serial enabler, obviously.

Words like patronage, support, and generosity can be synonymous with love, even outside of romantic partnerships. We don’t have to change our word choice because a relationship isn’t romantic, and we don’t have to add judgement when time, attention, and love are true.

Of course, there are ways to love that harm each other, and this piece is not about those aberrations. In Rocketman, there came a time for Bernie to walk away – but he never withheld his love and thoughtful attention from his friend.

Research continues to confirm that children cannot be spoiled by love, attention, and time. In fact, an abundance of these creates secure, healthy adults who have rich, deep relationships. I would argue that adults respond in exactly the same way to attention and care. True love like that is worth pursuing with abandon. Ugh. Now I sound like a romantic.